18 Months

Tonight is the eve of the day that Addison would have turned 18 months. Normally people don’t celebrate their half birthdays or even think twice about that day. But for me, tomorrow has been etched in my mind for a long time. And I wanted to write this now so that I did not take away from those who will be remembering and mourning September 11^th.

18 months for a baby means a lot of things. And I might have some of the things that I think it means wrong, but please don’t correct me. That would only devalue the little I do know of motherhood.  18 months to me is the change between baby and toddler. All of the fun firsts should have already been accomplished. These are the things we didn’t get to do with Addison. First smile. First laugh. First word. First tooth. First food. First tummy time. First holding her head up. First roll over. First sit up. First crawl. First stand. First walk. First first first first. Instead it has been never smile. Never Laugh. Never talk. Never teeth. Never eat. Never progress. She is still stuck in my mind as a beautiful 3-day old, dead baby.

And along with her firsts were supposed to come ours. But they never did.  One day they will, but they will hurt. We thought Addison would have had a younger sibling by now, or at least one on the way. But she doesn’t.

In our church, 18 months in the age when babies start going to Sunday School or Primary. At her age, she would have been in the nursery, but that is part of Primary none the less. Well, this past Sunday I accepted a calling to be a Primary teacher.  The decision to accept did not come easily. So this coming Sunday is the first day Addison should have gone to Primary, but I will go instead.

1 year ago from tomorrow is also when I chose to tell Addison’s story in a public way. About 70 people came and listened to the details of our daughter’s short life. Those people heard me and cried with me.  I thanked those who attended by giving them a purple flower pin to represent their knowledge of Addison’s life but also to wear when they thought of her. Occasionally I still see and Addison pin here or there, but it is hardly the norm. I’d hate to ask that Addison pins be worn this Sunday, only to be disappointed, but it would help to know that others know what day it is. And perhaps if you do where your Addison pin, and someone asks you what it is for, you can tell them about our sweet Addison.

It’s not very often that I get to tell her full story anymore. Sure I tell people in about 30 seconds what happened, but no one has sat down with me and really listened in quite some time. I guess I don’t really feel the need to rephrase it through words, I think what I miss is just people caring enough to ask.

As a last note, I’d like to share my favorite picture of Addison. I haven’t shared this picture before on social media. I guess most people also probably assume that the other picture that is on my blog is my favorite, but that was just the prettiest of the edited ones available for the funeral. So anyone, this one is my favorite. Can you see why?

With Love,

Addison’s Mommy

March for Babies

Hey everyone!

Sorry this is so last minute but it is very hard for me to know my schedule in advance. This Saturday, March 25, Nathan and I will be walking in loving memory of Addison River for March of Dimes at Suwanee Town Center Park at 10:00 am. The walk is just going to be 3 miles and I would LOVE LOVE if anyone wanted to come walk with us and show your support.

March of Dimes is an amazing organization that helps with research and funding for Neonatal Intensive Care Units, where Addison spent her entire life. It is possible that our future children will also need to spend time in the NICU, and so this organization is going to be a part of our lives for a long time.

If you are not able to come and walk, feel free to give a donation. If you are able to come, I really look forward to introducing you to members of the team who took care of our little girl as they will be walking at this location also.

Feel free to post any question about the event below or in a private message.

https://www.marchforbabies.org/AddisonRiver

A Stranger Saw My Pain

Today I was touched to my core. It was painful and beautiful and hard. 

Today is 4/15/15. Addison died 13 months and 1 day ago. This evening I attended a missionary farewell to say goodbye to a sister missionary who served in our area when Addison was born and died. This sister was even at Addison's baby shower. Anyway, I attended alone and decided for the first time to not take Addison Bear with me. Daddy needed to be home to work on homework. I found a seat and visited with someone who pretty bluntly asked how I have been healing... 

I'm just going to pause right here and ask, how am I supposed to answer that question? Would you like to know how many days I have cried this week? How many memorial projects I have done? How much medication I am on? How frequently I am able to be in public places on my own? How much does it still hurt? Those are all very personal questions and I feel very uncomfortable when someone asks how I am healing. "Healing" is a very hard concept to measure. Perhaps those who want to see me heal should look more closely. Then again, when people ask how I am doing, I usually just say fine... Usually everyone is satisfied with that. Sometimes I wish they weren't so easily satisfied. If they could just show that they are more interested in how I am. My real friends know what to ask and say so I guess that's all that matters.

Back to the story... so I gave this person some indirect answers because of how uncomfortable I already felt and immediately regretted my decision to sit where I was. Nearly immediately this woman reminded me of how wonderful it is that we will get to raise Addison again. If I wasn't sick enough of that statement a year ago, I'm really sick of it now. Do people think I have forgotten? Does raising her later fix the pain I feel now? If raising children in the millennium sounds so appealing to you, why don't we all throw caution to the wind during pregnancy and just hope our children die by chance. To say the least, I was biting my tongue real hard.

There was an open seat to my right and a little while after the program started, a gentleman came and sat next to me. It was a somewhat awkward place to sit because there was more room in the back but it wasn't a big deal. After a little while, this gentleman notices Addison's picture on my phone case and asked if she was my daughter. I said, "Yes, she died." He looked mortified. He immediately said how sorry he was several times and touched my shoulder in empathy. A few minutes passed and he asked how old she was. Of course I told him "3 days". Again he was mortified and apologized more. More time passed and he had obviously been turning it over in his mind when he asked what happened. I gave a brief synopsis. Again, he was so, so sorry. He then said "You must have died with her." What powerful and true words from a stranger! He knew nothing about me and yet could see that I was missing so much. He continued, "You are probably still very much dead." I responded, "Parts of me." And he said, "Probably a lot of parts." I resisted tears. We exchanged information, and then he left at the close of the program.

How is it that some people refuse to see me in the state I am and only want to see my future. And then other people can look at me and tell that I have lived through so much sorrow. I am so grateful for this man who showed me that people can still see me, the real me. And more than that, he wanted to see the real me. It was worth while. I was worth while. He didn't need to see me happy or with great plans for the future. He just saw me where I was. 

I know Heavenly Father sees my future, but I also knows He sees me trying to survive each passing moment. Some moments are easier than others, but my hard moments are not ignored. 

I am so thankful for this man and for the friends I have who see me in the moment. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Appreciation from Addison's Mommy

Click here to open video in new window.

I don't know how...

I don't know how to talk about it. And I certainly don't know how to respond. Many people are trying to reach out, asking what they can do... I don't know. Just be there, I guess. Get creative if you want. I'm tired. I can't be creative for anyone else right now. I know you can't believe it's been a year. I have found myself saying that too.... But why? Why is it so hard to believe? Haven't I lived 359 days without her and had to wake up knowing it was true every single day? Why now, is it hard to believe?

I know many people would like more of an update. They want to know how I am. I just don't even have the words this time. Many people have asked about her birthday party that we had. Eventually I will post pictures, and that will have to be enough to satisfy your questions. Maybe ask the other people who were able to attend. I'm just too tired...

Thanks for loving us.

Addison's Mommy

Addison's Party Final Updates

Hi Friends!

I can't believe Addison's Party is in just 2 days! I have been thinking of this day for months and months and preparing for it for weeks now. It's going to be a beautiful celebration of our little Addison's life. Below are a few reminders about the part.

First and foremost, ALL are welcome who would like to remember and celebrate Addison's birth.

RSVP is NOT required but encouraged to make arrangements easier. If you have forgotten to RSVP or won't know if you can attend until the last minute, you are still more than welcome to come!

Tea party theme attire is encouraged but NOT required. Your presence is much more important than your clothing but dress casual would be nice if you are able.

Pets are NOT allowed. During the time that a hacker was messing with the invitation, an update was sent out giving false information about dogs and cats being able to roam the building freely. This would absolutely be a disaster. Not even our dog, River, will be at the party so no need to fear if you have pet allergies or are not comfortable around pets.

Gifts are NOT required, but donations towards some very special organizations would be welcome if you are able.

Molly Bears creates weighted teddy bears for families coping with any form of infant loss. If you would like to donate to this organization, please bring a check written to "The Rusch Family" with "Molly Bears" on the check description line.

Gwinnett Medical Center NICU is in need of large swaddling blankets and newborn or 0-3 month comfortable baby clothes without zippers. Please do NOT donate preemie clothes, hats, socks, or clothes with zippers as they will not be used. These items may be wrapped or unwrapped, but ultimately will be given to the GMC NICU by us, so please do bring them to the tea party.

And last but not lease, location and time: 10am on February 28 at 1150 Cole Rd SW, Lilburn, GA 30047.

We hope to see you there!

With Love,

Addison's Mommy and Daddy

Addison's 1st Tea Party

Holy Cow. Make it slow down. I just can't seem to keep up with my life.

I haven't written in a long time. Mostly, things have been good. I have changed jobs. I have been trying to sell my Memorial Blocks, but I admit, I have not made the best effort in marketing myself. My grandpa died this past week. I'm going to be running (mostly walking) a 10k at WDW on Feb 20th. Today is my mom's birthday. We are trying to sell Nathan's car. Nathan's classes started back up. And then there are many other things going on that I don't feel like writing about.

I don't cry very often any more. I haven't cried once about my grandpa dying. He will be missed and was a great guy, but we weren't that close and he was 92 years old. He lived a good life. You can read his obituary that my mom and I wrote here, http://leonarddupras.myevent.com/.

This morning I scrolled across FB and discovered my cousin's wife is pregnant. I didn't cry immediately because I was in public, but later I had a total melt down. Can't everyone just stop having babies? I am so sick of people having babies! And please don't take it directly personally if you have had a baby. And don't regret telling me that you are or were pregnant. I just hurt so much when I see your baby live when mine died. I want the chance to have a healthy baby. I want to know what its like to take a baby home from the hospital. I know I will one day. But can't the world just stop until I get my chance? Why do I sob over the announcement of a new baby, but am fine when someone dies? It feels so backwards. I don't cry over every baby announcement. Just the ones in my family mostly. Or the ones that I know I will have to interact with long term. Addison is and was the first great grand child on my entire side. I know my cousin is just living his life but a part of me feels robbed of my title and robbed of Addison's title. I wanted to have the oldest great grand child. I wanted my mom to be the first one of her sibblings to be a grandma. I wanted Addison to be the first girl in the Rusch side. I just wanted so much. Maybe its selfish, but nobody can call me that unless they've walked in my shoes.

Addison's birthday is coming up and we are planning a party. Please come. Everyone please come. Children over the age of 18 months are welcome. Anyone who has ever heard of my sweet girl is welcome (so long as you aren't a creeper). I need to feel your love for her. I have created an evite for simplicity and the link for it is below. Please RSVP if you CAN come. I am not interested in seeing "NO" in the RSVP section. Every "NO" will hurt, whether you have a good reason or not. So please reply "YES" as soon as you can. I am planning for 100 people but would be happy to plan for 500 if that many people wanted to come. Anyway, atleast just look at the link... Addison's 1st Tea Party Invitation.


With Love,

Addison's Mommy